With Friends and Colleagues

Your friend most likely needs to talk about his feelings and frustrations. Listening may be the support he needs the most. Consider offering to call regularly to check in. Ask what time is best to call, as he likely has a schedule that needs to be kept. Also ask how often he’d like you to call. He may be busy, and can only manage one call a week, or he may really need support and want you to call every other day. You can also ask at the end of each call when it’s best to call next, as his needs may vary. By asking, you can be assured that you’re supporting him in a way that works for him.

Many people find it hard to talk about dying and illness and avoid any discussion at all. Take your lead from your friend. Talk about whatever he wants to talk about. Don’t be afraid to ask about his dad’s illness, but also be willing to listen to what else he has to say. It’s good to take a break from the illness and talk about other things.

If you feel you want to "do something," even if you can’t be there physically, ask your friend what he needs and what you can do. You may be surprised by what he says. You may be surprised also by what you can do even from a distance. Offer something small to start. You may ask if his dad has a favorite treat or flowers you can have sent to their home. You can write letters or emails or send a small scrapbook based on shared times and memories. These things don’t take much time, but they show you’re thinking of them, which can give much comfort.

The important thing to remember is that your friend is still the person he’s always been, even in these difficult times. Keep the lines of communication open, and if you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask.

Few of us have much experience talking about death and dying. It’s normal to be afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone. If we don’t know what to say, we often don’t say anything and avoid the whole situation. This may be why families of people who are dying notice that friends no longer call or visit. Yet, the time when people are dealing with death is when they most need the support of friends.

The most helpful thing you can do is to listen and follow the lead of the person you’re talking to. Be attentive to all levels of communication. These can give you signs of what someone is comfortable discussing, and what areas are best avoided.

It’s okay to ask about your friend’s mom, her illness and general questions about what’s happening. If asking for details creates discomfort, be ready to change direction. It’s okay to ask if there’s something in particular the person wants to talk about. There may be memories or experiences to be shared. If you’re not sure about the direction of the conversation or about the meaning behind what’s been said, just ask.

Think about what may help your friend deal with what’s happening. Often simply being there to listen is enough. Sometimes other kinds of support are welcome also. If there’s something you can do, let your friend know it. Offer to help instead of waiting to be asked, as people often don’t want to be a burden. Ask in a genuine way what you can do, or suggest something specific.

One comment to avoid is "I understand what you’re going through." This implies that you’ve been through the same situation and felt the same things. It minimizes the other person’s experience and puts the focus on you. The other person may get the impression that you don’t understand, and that there’s no point in talking. You may say instead: “I don’t know how it feels to be in your situation, but I’m here to support you.” In general, it’s most helpful to focus on the experience of your friend and her family, and on the ways you offer comfort or help.

It may be that you're having good days and bad days, and it's very hard for anyone else to understand fully what that's like. This may be hard to express, but it's worth trying to let others know.

People usually ask “How are you doing?" out of habit or courtesy. When they ask this, feel free to tell them. Your response may stop conversation or it may pave the way for further discussion. Unfortunately some people can be very uncomfortable talking about your wife's illness and how you are doing. At least you’re making them aware of what your life is like. Some people genuinely want to know how you’re doing. Your answer may lead to more discussion and perhaps support. Either way you're being true to yourself and not hiding your feelings. You may be surprised at how many people are relieved to have you talk about your struggle and how you’re feeling.

People on the other side of the conversation also find it hard to know what to say. Usually they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting a friend. Honesty from the outset helps both of you past this first awkwardness, and everyone feels relieved that it’s okay to talk about your wife instead of pretending that everything's fine.

Remember that your situation is difficult. It’s natural not to know how to deal with everything around you, including talking to others. Think of your honesty as opening a door. People can choose to enter or not. At least you’ve opened the door and invited them in, instead of keeping it closed and never knowing what might have been on the other side.