Adolescent and Young Adult

Discussion with children about death and the rituals around death need to be honest and open. Children need this because they can sense what’s going on around them. Honest answers to their questions can minimize their fears.

Before you discuss cremation, talk about death in simple terms. You may say that death means someone is no longer breathing, is not alive, can’t experience things in this world and is dead. It’s important to use the words “dead” and “died.” Terms such as "loss", "in heaven" or "passed away" may confuse children. If the child was present when the death happened, it’s good to review events simply. Children may feel they’re at fault somehow, and it’s important to assure them that they’re not to blame for the death. Children may have some ideas about illness, death and funerals that seem strange to adults. These thoughts need to be clarified gently, with simple explanations. It’s also crucial to understand that children need repeated discussion of issues around death. They may ask certain questions over and over again. It can be hard emotionally for adults to answer the same questions repeatedly, but it’s important for the children.

Use information that’s appropriate for their age. If you have several children close in age, it’s best to talk with them together. This creates an open environment, which promotes discussion and questions. These discussions can be very tough for parents. Keep in mind that it’s okay to show emotion; it shows children that emotions are a natural part of grieving. You and your children may find it helpful to have someone with you when you talk. This could be a friend, someone the children know or a health care provider who can answer questions.

When you do talk about cremation, keep things simple. Cremation is just one part of death and grieving. There are different views on what’s best to say. Some people don’t want to talk about fire and burning, while others do use those words. Parents usually know what their children can handle and the words that are best for them. Whatever words you use, make it clear that the person who died does not suffer in the cremation process because they are dead and are unable to feel.

If you plan to keep the ashes in your home, make your children comfortable with that. It helps to show them the ashes, as it makes the contents of the urn very real to children. Explain that the ashes are what’s left of the person who died. You may want to decide together where the ashes will be kept. This helps children realize the importance of the ashes and their significance in your home. It also gives them a chance to identify a location that’s special to them or to a particular memory.

There are other containers available to store ashes. Several small urns can be used so the ashes can be divided and kept in several places. Necklaces that contain ashes can be a symbolic way to keep the loved one close. There are also teddy bears with heart necklaces containing ashes that children can keep in their rooms. Discussing the relevance of ashes is the key to stimulating discussion and helping them remember the person who died.

If your children are young, an excellent way to promote conversations about these difficult subjects is to have them draw, or to read to them from children’s books about dying. You can talk about the drawings or the stories, and relate them to what’s happening in their lives.

We suggest that you start by reading Talking with Children and Youth About Serious Illness, in the Topics section of our website. This article, written by our clinical team, will give you basic information on how to reach out to teenagers who have someone close to them who is ill and dying. Our Books, Links, and More section lists a number of resources specifically aimed at teenagers, and also includes a list of resources for adults supporting teenagers.

Here are some resources that others have found helpful.

Online resources:

• Hospice Calgary‘s website features articles about teenagers’ responses to illness and loss.
• Nanaimo Community Hospice Society’s Teens and Death website is tailored specifically to youth 13 to 19 years of age. Teens and adults can also read online brochures and handbooks, such as Supporting Teens in Grief, You Count and Your Feelings Matter, and Teens and Grief, on the Society’s webpage Grief Support for Youth between the Ages of 13-19 Years.
• BC Children’s Hospital has created an extensive series of pamphlets for those supporting teenagers, such as Talking about viewing a body..., Talking about cremation..., and When your parent may be facing death...
• Max and Beatrice Wolfe Children's Centre in Toronto provides online resources to help you support children and youth who have someone close to them who is dying or has died.
• When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens by the National Cancer Institute (US) is an online booklet that addresses a range of topics, such as understanding cancer and how to help your parent. It is available in English and Spanish.

Phone resource:

• Kids Help Phone is a toll-free, 24-hour French and English service that offers anonymous phone counselling, referral and Internet services for children and teens.

Books:

• Living Dying: A Guide for Adults Supporting Grieving Children and Teenagers, by Canadian author Ceilidh Eaton Russell, is a practical handbook for parents and professionals supporting youth who have experienced the death of a loved one, or have a loved one who is dying.
• Healing a Teen’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers, by Alan D. Wolfelt, is for adults who want practical, day-to-day "how-tos" for helping a grieving teen. It reviews the unique mourning styles and needs of teenagers, and provides simple activities and tips for relating to a grieving teen.

We suggest that you start by reading Talking with Children and Youth About Serious Illness, in the Topics section of our website. This article, written by our clinical team, will give you basic information on how to reach out to children who have someone close to them who is ill or dying. Our Books, Links, and More section lists a number of resources specifically aimed at children, and also includes a list of resources for adults supporting children.

Here are some resources that others have found helpful.

Online resources:

• The BC Cancer Agency’s Cancer in My Family - My Anything But Ordinary Journey website offers a creative tool to help children explore their feelings about a family member who is ill. This resource also helps parents support their children as they work through their questions and emotions about a family member’s cancer, and gain understanding about the disease.
• Hospice Calgary‘s website features articles about children’s responses to illness and loss.
• Nanaimo Community Hospice Society’s webpage Grief Support for Children offers online, child-centred grief brochures and handbooks, such as Children and Grief and In the Schools.
• BC Children’s Hospital has created an extensive series of pamphlets tailored for those supporting toddlers and school-age children on a wide range of topics such as Talking about Death and Talking about Funerals and Memorials
• Max and Beatrice Wolfe Children's Centre in Toronto provides online resources to help you support children and youth who have someone close to them who is dying or has died.

Phone resource:

• Kids Help Phone is a toll-free, 24-hour French and English service that offers anonymous phone counselling, referral and Internet services for children and teens.

Books:

• A Child’s View of Grief: A Guide for Parents, Teachers, and Counselors, by Alan D. Wolfelt, explains how children and adolescents grieve after a loved one dies and offers helpful guidelines for adults.
• Grief in Children: A Handbook for Adults , by Atle Dyregov, helps adults to understand how children grieve and provides adults with ideas on how to best help them.