Children

It’s very important to talk with children honestly about illness and death. Children can sense when something’s wrong and may worry more if no one talks to them openly about it.

Explain to your son in simple terms what’s happening with his grandmother. Tell him that she won’t be getting better. Don’t be afraid to use the words "cancer," "death" and "dying." You can say that death means someone is no longer breathing, is not alive, can’t experience things in this world and is dead. Using the words “dead” and “died” is important. Other terms, such as "loss" or "in heaven" or "passed away" may confuse children. It’s not wise to say that eventually someone will go to sleep and not wake up. It can make children worry that this could happen to them, and they may become afraid to fall sleep.

Structure is important for young children, and helps them cope with stress. Try to maintain your son’s routine as closely as you can.

Often families don’t want children to be around someone who is dying. This leaves children with many unanswered questions and may lead to fears. It’s a good idea to take your son to visit his grandmother often if it’s possible. Continue to visit as the illness advances, as long as symptoms aren’t too distressing and your son can cope with what he sees. His grandmother may have her own thoughts about continuing your son’s visits. It may help her to talk about this while she still can make decisions. It also gives you assurance that you know what she wants.

Your son’s grandmother may have symptoms that you need to explain to your son. If she has pain, your son needs to know, so that he can act appropriately. For example, if she has pain in her back, it’s important that your son ask before climbing into her lap. If she can’t do certain things, such as walk long distances or get out of bed, it helps to explain this also.

Ask your son often how he’s feeling and if he has any questions about what’s happening. He needs to know he can talk about his feelings. Be aware that young children can have ideas that seem strange to adults. It helps to ask about these ideas and where they come from. Your son may be confused, as his thinking may be very concrete, and death is an abstract concept. This also may make it hard for your son to grasp the finality of death. Your son may need to hear the explanations repeatedly, for quite some time. When dealing with stress or new experiences some children may regress. For example, a child who has recently been toilet trained may need diapers again. Don’t be alarmed if such things happen; it may take time for these issues to be resolved.

Discussion with children about death and the rituals around death need to be honest and open. Children need this because they can sense what’s going on around them. Honest answers to their questions can minimize their fears.

Before you discuss cremation, talk about death in simple terms. You may say that death means someone is no longer breathing, is not alive, can’t experience things in this world and is dead. It’s important to use the words “dead” and “died.” Terms such as "loss", "in heaven" or "passed away" may confuse children. If the child was present when the death happened, it’s good to review events simply. Children may feel they’re at fault somehow, and it’s important to assure them that they’re not to blame for the death. Children may have some ideas about illness, death and funerals that seem strange to adults. These thoughts need to be clarified gently, with simple explanations. It’s also crucial to understand that children need repeated discussion of issues around death. They may ask certain questions over and over again. It can be hard emotionally for adults to answer the same questions repeatedly, but it’s important for the children.

Use information that’s appropriate for their age. If you have several children close in age, it’s best to talk with them together. This creates an open environment, which promotes discussion and questions. These discussions can be very tough for parents. Keep in mind that it’s okay to show emotion; it shows children that emotions are a natural part of grieving. You and your children may find it helpful to have someone with you when you talk. This could be a friend, someone the children know or a health care provider who can answer questions.

When you do talk about cremation, keep things simple. Cremation is just one part of death and grieving. There are different views on what’s best to say. Some people don’t want to talk about fire and burning, while others do use those words. Parents usually know what their children can handle and the words that are best for them. Whatever words you use, make it clear that the person who died does not suffer in the cremation process because they are dead and are unable to feel.

If you plan to keep the ashes in your home, make your children comfortable with that. It helps to show them the ashes, as it makes the contents of the urn very real to children. Explain that the ashes are what’s left of the person who died. You may want to decide together where the ashes will be kept. This helps children realize the importance of the ashes and their significance in your home. It also gives them a chance to identify a location that’s special to them or to a particular memory.

There are other containers available to store ashes. Several small urns can be used so the ashes can be divided and kept in several places. Necklaces that contain ashes can be a symbolic way to keep the loved one close. There are also teddy bears with heart necklaces containing ashes that children can keep in their rooms. Discussing the relevance of ashes is the key to stimulating discussion and helping them remember the person who died.

If your children are young, an excellent way to promote conversations about these difficult subjects is to have them draw, or to read to them from children’s books about dying. You can talk about the drawings or the stories, and relate them to what’s happening in their lives.

We suggest that you start by reading Talking with Children and Youth About Serious Illness, in the Topics section of our website. This article, written by our clinical team, will give you basic information on how to reach out to teenagers who have someone close to them who is ill and dying. Our Books, Links, and More section lists a number of resources specifically aimed at teenagers, and also includes a list of resources for adults supporting teenagers.

Here are some resources that others have found helpful.

Online resources:

• Hospice Calgary‘s website features articles about teenagers’ responses to illness and loss.
• Nanaimo Community Hospice Society’s Teens and Death website is tailored specifically to youth 13 to 19 years of age. Teens and adults can also read online brochures and handbooks, such as Supporting Teens in Grief, You Count and Your Feelings Matter, and Teens and Grief, on the Society’s webpage Grief Support for Youth between the Ages of 13-19 Years.
• BC Children’s Hospital has created an extensive series of pamphlets for those supporting teenagers, such as Talking about viewing a body..., Talking about cremation..., and When your parent may be facing death...
• Max and Beatrice Wolfe Children's Centre in Toronto provides online resources to help you support children and youth who have someone close to them who is dying or has died.
• When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens by the National Cancer Institute (US) is an online booklet that addresses a range of topics, such as understanding cancer and how to help your parent. It is available in English and Spanish.

Phone resource:

• Kids Help Phone is a toll-free, 24-hour French and English service that offers anonymous phone counselling, referral and Internet services for children and teens.

Books:

• Living Dying: A Guide for Adults Supporting Grieving Children and Teenagers, by Canadian author Ceilidh Eaton Russell, is a practical handbook for parents and professionals supporting youth who have experienced the death of a loved one, or have a loved one who is dying.
• Healing a Teen’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers, by Alan D. Wolfelt, is for adults who want practical, day-to-day "how-tos" for helping a grieving teen. It reviews the unique mourning styles and needs of teenagers, and provides simple activities and tips for relating to a grieving teen.